y'all. sophomore year to fourth grade

I remember when he stopped wearing tennis shoes and started wearing converse.  I remember how it kind of bothered me but all I could think about were how deeply blue his eyes were.  I remember ninth grade English with Springer momma, sandwiched between him and Alis Priddy.  Her favorite snack was goldfish and he ran cross country and played the trumpet.

I remember fighting the urge to keep my middle finger down behind people's backs and feeling wretched for even thinking of swear words I thought I'd never say out loud.  Ha.

I remember how I thought Lotus Sutra was the coolest, most chill girl I'd ever seen.  Her topic on the controversial English essay was legalization of marijuana and the only one I remember today.  I remember running into Sasha Fierce at American Eagle and talking about American Studies.  I remember when Austin Call beatboxed in our class.  I remember Ken Burns documentaries for extra credit and The Keeper of Time.  I remember the Mickey Mouse pants and our names being drawn.  I remember losing twenty dollars to amethyst wine for a sweatshirt I never got and holding a faint grudge for too long.

I remember moving to Utah and getting stares for saying "Oh my God" and being told to not swear.  I didn't understand anything.  I remember not feeling so judged or alone up until that moment.

I remember having the biggest middle school crush on Dean Wolfe and falling in love with Lloyd Dobler's voice.  I remember French class and how funny he was and how nice he always was to me.  I remember crushing hard on the guy with the kindness and the nose like a ski slope who didn't pick me last for soccer or ultimate on the Wednesdays we didn't have to do dryland.  The artist who I like talking to with a knack for being hilarious with a straight face.  The last still holds true.

I remember playing with my neighbor up the street everyday in the summers not caring about sunscreen or the time or really anything at all.  We made up dances on the trampoline to songs by Taylor Swift and Cascada and sang to Rascal Flatts and rocked Guitar Hero and laughed nonstop and watched movies and pigged out on Milk Duds.

I remember wearing my Green Day beanie to Westfield and Corrine Bailey Rae said I should wear that on St. Patrick's Day.  I remember Westfield singers and square dancing with girls because there weren't enough guys.  I remember track with Destiny Preach, the sweetest girl I've ever met.  Emma Kay, Destiny, and I ran with the cold and the wind then the sweat and the heat and our shin splints that I complained about incessantly.  Emma always ran alongside me even though she should have run past me.  I've never laughed as long or hard with anyone else since then.  I remember our underwear showing through our compression shorts and guys with see-through white speedos.  I remember the necklace that said "friendly" on it because I'm boy crazy and they're friendly.  I remember how her races were my favorite thing to watch, especially the last half. I remember confusing card games on the bleachers with Elijah Kimball.  I remember wanting to be kyyy's friend and the admiration I had for her and being in awe of her speed and dedication.

I remember singing "Tomorrow" in Scarlet White's room.  She sang "Picture to Burn" at Ridgeline's talent show and Charlie L Rose danced.  I thought it was the most beautiful voice I'd ever heard and the most beautiful dance I'd ever seen.  I remember walking the halls of Timberline with Charlie when the bus dropped us off thirty minutes before school started.  I remember how sweet she was and how lucky I was to have a friend like her.

I remember asking my dad for help on school art projects and him taking over.  I remember barely getting a word in and a grade I didn't deserve.  I remember when I stopped asking for help.

I remember LLACIE PAIGE and her glasses and Mr. Barker's eighth grade algebra class. I remember Krispy Kreme doughnuts and the Woodbury art museum. I loved Mr. Barker and Mrs. Springer more than anything but I haven't walked up those stairs to visit them in years.  I remember the first day of health class when we played the dreaded introductory name game and Sky Trillion said L for llamas.  I remember how Abner was nice to me.  I remember art class with Dora Wyatt and the masks we made with our Vaseline covered faces.  I remember when someone slammed a door and it crushed Sage's toe.  I remember the blood soaking through her Keds and how she stayed strong even through the pain.

I remember cheating on KUMON and crying from being yelled at.  I remember my best defense against hurting and looking into someone's eyes is silence.

I remember the first day of high school when a friend and I helped GRAY EVASION and his friend open his locker.  They made me excited about school because I thought that if everyday I'd meet people like them with the bright smiles I'd be so happy to wake up in the morning and go to class.  I remember the swing set and The Little Mermaid and comparing Tom Wallish to a Greek god and my friend saying how she wouldn't mind being licked by him like the dog in the movie licked the prince.  I can't believe I just typed that.

I remember when the local church came to help fix up our yard full of overgrown weeds and how I hid inside the house, terrified of talking to anyone and promising myself that I'd spend hours the rest of the summer working on the yard to make up for being a stupid coward.

I remember walking into Shep's room for the first time and falling in love instantly.  It was like a Disneyland of eccentricity.  I remember hating being drawn in figure drawing even though we all had to go up there.  I remember how Shep made us take off our shoes so we could draw our feet and discovering DiMiTRi Snow's fear of them.  I remember track with Wolf Boy and enjoying the times we talked even if they were few.

I remember listening to Tommy Miller's cover of Skinny Love over and over and feeling inspired.  But when I tried to sing along I ended up with a broken string on a guitar I didn't know how to tune alternately.

I remember yearbook with Ruby McCall and wanting to talk with her but never doing it.  She was pretty and kind and quiet and awesome.  I remember the beauty in pleasefindmehere's smile and how she played tennis with my friend at Ivory Ridge.  I remember Isla Kirie and her smile too and I don't know anyone who could forget it.

I remember cosmetic surgery and resistance to lidocaine.  Sleepless night guilt but going through with it anyways.  Never feeling better about myself before or after.  Making lists in my head of what was Before and what came After.

Sorry this isn't chronological but that's not the way memories come back.

I remember finding out your names and loving the small parts of everyone that I'd never realized were there before.  I remember the respect I felt and the love I wanted to send your way.  I remember Juliet saying "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet" and reading a comment on the Prayers for Jordan Facebook page that said "She has touched my heart without ever touching my hand".  And it finally sank in.  Because I've always had the hardest time with people saying how much they love someone they never knew or know.   But it's never been about the degrees.  It's not a competition.  It's not a monopoly.  One of the weirdest things is walking past you without having the guts to say anything.  And I've wanted to say I love you since, but it's probably way too soon and too creepy and we've probably never spoken in years or ever at all. The love isn't like how I love my grandparents or how I love John Green or how I love Huntington Beach.  It doesn't have to be.  It's how I love you, and though I hate using the word perfect, it's a perfect kind of love.  A different, but perfect kind of love.

I guess I'm trying to say I remember y'all among the fragmented memories of my past.  And you're important to me, because in all the little things I remember, you've been in my life for better or worse.  The little things maybe you don't remember mean something to me all these years later.  So thank you.  It matters.  You matter.  I'm learning that I matter too.  We all do.  I know you've changed since then; gotten a little taller, a little angrier, a little wiser, more confused, more scarred, more sunny; that you're so much more than the little things I do remember.  I'm sorry I couldn't mention everyone.

All in all, sometimes the little things are all I need.  Because with them, I know life is good.  I know life is worth it.