things you probably don't want to know

Hi.  My name's Samantha.  But don't call me that.  Unless you're Paige or Mrs. Chambers.  I shrink from confrontation.  I've got terrible posture and a river of insecurity running through me.  I mumble, reducing people to think my name is "Sham" when it comes to introductions.  I'm crazily indecisive.  I'm intrigued by Trevor Richard and wish I could have a memorable conversation with him about the malleability of humanity.  I want to be like, "Where have you been all my life?  You're incredible.", but I think I'd get a weird look from that.  Half the time I'm carefree and careless and the other half of the time I'm tense and baffled.  I sneeze loudly but try to tread quietly.  I've got ridiculous ineptitude when it comes to common sense and chemistry.  I love fingerless gloves and music and learning new words.

I'm a 5' 0 Hulk.  SAM SMASH!  I get angry when I look in the mirror.  I get angry when someone asks me a question and I give them an answer and they don't believe me so they ask another person right in front of me.  I get angry when someone addresses a few people but only makes eye contact with one.  I get angry when people forget that a person is a person.  I get angry when people stand in the middle of a hallway like they own the place.  I get angry when people are unnecessarily loud.  I get angry with overuse of the pronoun "I", yet if you count the number of times I use it here, it's overwhelming and hypocritical.  I get angry when I say something to my dad and he doesn't listen to the whole of what I said, but takes one word that caught his attention and talks about something else entirely.  I get angry when people kid around excessively because it has never been funny on the receiving side and honestly I'm just a party pooper prude.  So many things set me off.  The smallest things.  Everything triggers the frustration that I take home with me because I'll never let it out in public.  I'm a freakin' 5' 0 Hulk.  Except there's no superhero in me.  Except a lot of things.  And well, I guess I don't turn green.

I'm a social misfit and I like it.  93% of the time, I'll choose books and music over people.  I wish my favorite authors and musicians were terrific friends of mine and I could call them up on the phone whenever I felt like it.  I like talking to strangers rather than people I know.  Every audition I've ever had, I messed up.  And I never want to give explanations because they end up sounding like pitiful excuses.  I've got eczema and I've got dandruff.  I've always had allergic reactions to prescription medications but you probably didn't need to know that.  Then again, you don't need to know any of this.

You'd never think I love dancing and singing but I do it on Sundays when I'm baking sweets and in rooms with closed doors and I feel safest when I'm in a rowdy crowd at a concert.  I think it's a good universal sign that I got my acoustic on Jason Mraz's birthday even though it wasn't a Taylor or a Martin.

I think I had more imagination when I was 11, but I've never been one for creativity.  I can't draw something unless I look at it and I can't alter it in a way that makes it unique.  I can't call the endless unfinished drawings a time when I had artist's block because it's been years and I can't call myself an artist anyway.  I can't freestyle or solo on my guitar, instead, my fingers play the same major scales I learned years ago.

I cried over an A- but by the time the B+ rolled by I stopped.  Don't talk to me about expectations.  Don't even get started.  I didn't try harder next term.  I like to call myself pathetic because it's true and if I stray away from the depths of indifference, it's not because I put effort into doing it.  I'll let people step over me and talk over me and not get mad about it in the now.  I save the frustration for later.  My passivity is detrimental.

I want to squirm out of most conversations and hugs.  I get "I didn't notice you there" a lot.  My favorite place in classrooms is the farthest seat back.  When I'm at school, I want to be anywhere else.  When I'm somewhere else, I want to be anywhere else.

Procrastination is my fallback for everything.  I watch too much TV; if it's not Chicago Fire, it's Orphan Black, and if it's not Orphan Black, it's The Middle, and this can go on forever.  It's my defense against thinking about deadlines and it's never been enough to know what I'm doing wrong, because knowing doesn't mean I'll do anything about it.

I take things too personally.  Like if the cashier asks the person in front of me in line how their day has been and makes light conversation and then says nothing to me when he or she rings up my items or if someone gives me a dirty look and has an irritated tone to their voice, I jump to the conclusion that they hate me.  Which is ridiculous, but I can't help it.  I get annoyed with sweat.  I work out like I have a smoker's lung.  I love seeing happiness in people's faces when they think no one's watching.  It kills me.

I have this pressing desire to write thank you notes to people.  It's cowardly that I'll write them in my mind and never say those things aloud looking into the person's eyes.  Kindness saves me and it's bad how surprised I get when I see it.  It makes it sound like I think all of you are bad guys and kindness is extremely rare.  But don't get fooled.  There's only one bad guy and it's me. Thank you to the person who kept me from getting trampled and offered to lift me up to see the singers even though he didn't know me.  The person who didn't walk past the girl struggling to pick up her things off the floor because she tripped.  The person who never walks away right after he asks "how are you?" and listens to the response without looking like he has somewhere else to be.  That pisses me off.  How someone doesn't really give you the time of day but it's just kind of a way to keep up appearances.  I'm tremendously more blunt in writing than I am in speech.  I'm really a fake if you think about it.  And I'm no better than the people I get pissed off at.

I want to be able to help others which is ironic because at times I don't like people very much.  Sometimes I dislike them and other times I think they're beautiful and complex.  I know they're beautiful and complex, but I've got an air of negativity that I can't seem to shake off.  I used to want to be a firefighter.  Then I wanted to be teacher.  Then a paramedic.  Then a nurse.  When people ask me the dreaded question of what I want to be, now I say "oncologist".  The occupation has turned into something that I say just to fill the space.

I'm not sure if this is what realtalk is.  I think I'm just rambling, but typing the words is comforting.  I'm sorry it's always too long.  Sometimes typing the words makes me want to pull my hair out though.