give me flames

I'm spending so much time in Paris and wondering when I'll be deported.  If I'll leave because I was always a tourist anyway.  I'm missing so many pieces in the jigsaw puzzle I don't know what picture I'm supposed to piece together.

I'm trapping myself with my words and I will never tell anyone how I feel with my voice.  And how I feel is always changing.  I'm hiding.  I've built my wall of solitude high with the stars in mind.

I've realized I'm not alone on this off the radar street of confusion.  We're all lost. Not sure what we're looking for.  I guess I have to be grateful for existing even if I don't fit. And I believe that one day you'll find what you don't know you're looking for.  You might still be b r o k e n, but you'll be standing on your own two feet looking out on this world that doesn't owe you anything just to say I'm over you.

Maybe I can say something worthwhile.  So you'll know I hear you and that I care.  But I'm just me, and so intent on saying anything that I'm not taking enough time to understand.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry I don't have any medicine.  I'm sorry I wouldn't take it if I did.

I don't have any substance.  I don't want to fool you.  You shouldn't believe that I'm anything good.  I wonder if putting myself down is something that I've grown so used to that it's become more natural to me than breathing.  I'm wrong.  I'm useless.  I'm plain.  I'm slow.  I'm withdrawn.  I'm weird.  I'm credulous.  I'm stationary.  I'm inattentive.  I'm distant.  I'm uninviting.  I'm vague.  I'm annoying.  I'm insecure.  I'm closelipped.  I'm inconsiderate.  I'm volatile.  I'm indolent.  I'm contradicting.  I'm contrived.  I'm artificial.  I'm waste.  I'm terrified.  I'm sinking.

I'm feeling like a candle that is only sometimes lit.  I don't remember the last time I said those three words I love you.  Every goodbye or goodnight used to be laced with I love you.  I don't feel very loving or caring anymore and it's scary.  Burning wax is dripping along the crevices of my body telling me to cherish every moment I have with everything and everyone I love.  Look outside.  Look at the clear skies and breathe in the fresh air.  Ride your bike like you used to without feeling too old to enjoy the little things.  Put your running shoes on and taste the sunlight.  Pick up your rusty instruments and don't worry about making the music sound nice.  Go break a window with the force of the trapped emotions crawling restlessly underneath your skin.  Hear the shatter and relish in the sound.  Do it again and again and again and again and again.  Let out the FREAKING FRUSTRATION.  Wrap your body around the shards and feel each vulnerable edge.  Those shards are you.  Stop being submissive.  Stop shrinking when anyone talks to you.  Stop being so annoyed with your family's quirks.  Stop telling yourself you're too busy for them because you won't always have them at the kitchen counter to talk to.  Next year, everything changes.  Maybe they'll change in a second, you don't know what time has in store for you.  You won't always have them so close.  When you yell at your parents you'll be left with a gaping hole when you're no longer angry.  You'll just add to the whopping disappointment you already have in yourself.  When you wake up melancholy and come home depressed and go to bed sad, don't sulk in silence.  Get over the irritating sound the blender makes and the constant ringing of the telephone no one ever answers.  Pause your music. Stop making eye contact with the ground.  Be brave, it won't obliterate you.  Don't care what others think about your uneven face or your unpromising outsides.  Relax.  Get out of the quicksand.  You probably don't have it in you though; too many flaws begging for air.  You're the one giving them oxygen.  Flaws are supposed to make you want to change.  They're not a warm blanket meant for you to envelop yourself in.  You must not want to be happy, you've grown to be comfortable in your despair.  You're going nowhere.

I'm telling myself these things in hopes that I'll wake up.  That I'll start living a life worth living.  But then the wax dries and I forget.  I need someone to set me on fire.  Please.



You can't start a fire, worryin' about your little world falling apart
This gun's for hire, even if we're just dancing in the dark

If I could dance like The Boss, my life would be complete.  I'm honestly not being sardonic in the slightest.  He is pure expression.  It makes me smile yesterday, today, and tomorrow and truly mean it.  Wherever I'm at, whatever place I'm in.

This song will forever hold a special place in my heart. My somewhere soulmate; this could be our anthem.